Shitty night

I watched three movies tonight.
Straight.
Didn't eat dinner.
Ate jello and drank ice lemon tea.

That's one of it. Please don't read the rest.

I realize how dumb i am and i always do stuff I shouldn't do but then again hey, here I am. I am not having my PMS I am sure so this stray of emotions must have a reason to start with. Lets look back at 2012 where it all began.

No let's skip that because all this while I haven't been grateful of what I have. I forgot myself throughout the year. I wasn't the person I was when I was in high school. I wasn't the person that put others first and think that I was there for a reason. When I in high school I even looked after my adik angkat when she was sick. Who actually does that? She counted on me and I was there. Now she doesn't even say hi. Well I never said hi so who's fault is it anyways? I changed through high school. I wasn't someone that wears shorts while shopping which I never did and I no longer worry how my hair should turn out like. I have a large forehead and I keep telling people that those who have large foreheads are smart but I said that just to make myself feel that way. Growing up I admit I never liked defeat. I have a strong ego but never showed it because no one ever poked my ego.

Year after year I find someone more smarter, more prettier, more special, more adorable, more likeable and more wanted. Every effing year I get so unsure of myself and what people think of me it that i have to cry on my bed alone. I remember when someone said to my junior, when I was there, that I never cried throughout the whole boarding life experience but guess what. I crumple myself on my bed crying. I cried for 15 minutes in the bathroom and coming out saying that I didn't feel well. I cried in there because I couldn't let anyone see me like that. I wanted to be there for people. Not like that. Hell yes I wanted to tell people why I was crying but I didn't because my stories were too pathetic. For those who knows about the Brian incident, well that was the perks of how long I could let it in. He just pulled the trigger and I couldn't hold the bullet.

I waited. I waited for the Azan everyday in the surau. I loved myself for changing. I loved hearing the sound of the boys leading, being the imam of my prayers. I am nothing close to that. I could count with my fingers how many times I did that routine. I had no more Thursday night Yassins. I barely held the Quran as how much I did back then. I have changed.

During high school I thought of how I wanted to be the one but I never let my friends down. I tried not to say no and helped any way I should. I never wanted myself to say no because I could when they couldn't. I tried so damn hard for them to understand. I wanted them to come to me and thank me so I knew I tried. And when it all ended I was grateful of what I had and having someone have more was so hard. Even my parents said it was enough. But for me it was impossible to accept it that fast.

Being in college makes it even worst. Not only they are better, they are not like high school. They don't cling on you to help you and you try to help but they'll never, never be like what I had. I even did some work on my own. I stayed up nights to do that thing, I woke up all shitty as tonight and not even a thank you was given. You know you try your hardest to be nice and sincere but they strangle you with their own ego and drown you as if you were never meant to be alive.

Then to top it off, the results of struggle and long nights wasn't the ones I was hoping for. And at times you start to think, why her? Why him? I know I suck but what did she do that I didn't? Our cases were different but to me they were the same. You try so effing hard to be happy but you know, you know a small part of you is crashing. Why am I not them?

Those were f up moments.

And now you must think that I am a egoist, slimy selfish b that cares about herself and her pride and her life when there's more important stuff than her problems. You must think how terrible I am for being a hypocrite and lier and just plain, wrong.

I am sorry. I'm sorry if any of that had to do with you. I truly am sorry.

But I will tell you this. Of all those mistakes I made, of all those feelings I ever had, of all those ignorant self centered thoughts I had, I always had backup.

Eventhough I don't talk to my adik angkat now I know she's doing great. I have other juniors that took care of her and she'll be amazing when her time comes. I've changed alot since high school. Alhamdullilah, I am proud to say that everytime I shop, I care not about what people will think, but what the All Mighty would think. When I cried alone, I was there for others. I helped others. I was there for them and I wouldn't feel any better than that. Even if no one appreciated me, I was there. That's all that matters.

Yes college was college. I had long stressful nights but I couldn't have gone through if it wasn't for my housemates especially my roomie. Until today I thank Allah for placing her with me. I wouldn't have survived 2012 without my old friends. The ones that I think of when I felt alone. I go out with them and all my problems in college just passes by. I never saw my old classmates in my new class. I never saw Bijaksana or Battani in 10AR1. And I never will. But I know they'll help me in and out. Again, even if no one appreciates it. I might not be as pious as before. I might not be as close to my Quran. I miss it I swear. But that doesn't mean I'll stop. I will never give up my faith and what helped me through high school will help me now, InsyaAllah. And yes, I will always be jealous of those smart asses. I'll hate them for being better but that makes me think more. And I know myself, I would never hate someone that could help me be better. For my results, I'll try harder, like everyone else. Rezeki orang lain, lain. Even my dad didn't care much. I'm grateful, believe me.

Oh god. What I know now is that 2012 taught me so much I couldn't explain.  Every single shitty thing I'm upset about, there must be a reason why I could get over it. Either reason, thank you. Thank you for being there and keeping up with myself. Sometimes even I can't stand myself.

Oh and I'm sorry. Especially for this long unreasonable post. I told you, it's a shitty night tonight.