Shitty night

I watched three movies tonight.
Straight.
Didn't eat dinner.
Ate jello and drank ice lemon tea.

That's one of it. Please don't read the rest.

I realize how dumb i am and i always do stuff I shouldn't do but then again hey, here I am. I am not having my PMS I am sure so this stray of emotions must have a reason to start with. Lets look back at 2012 where it all began.

No let's skip that because all this while I haven't been grateful of what I have. I forgot myself throughout the year. I wasn't the person I was when I was in high school. I wasn't the person that put others first and think that I was there for a reason. When I in high school I even looked after my adik angkat when she was sick. Who actually does that? She counted on me and I was there. Now she doesn't even say hi. Well I never said hi so who's fault is it anyways? I changed through high school. I wasn't someone that wears shorts while shopping which I never did and I no longer worry how my hair should turn out like. I have a large forehead and I keep telling people that those who have large foreheads are smart but I said that just to make myself feel that way. Growing up I admit I never liked defeat. I have a strong ego but never showed it because no one ever poked my ego.

Year after year I find someone more smarter, more prettier, more special, more adorable, more likeable and more wanted. Every effing year I get so unsure of myself and what people think of me it that i have to cry on my bed alone. I remember when someone said to my junior, when I was there, that I never cried throughout the whole boarding life experience but guess what. I crumple myself on my bed crying. I cried for 15 minutes in the bathroom and coming out saying that I didn't feel well. I cried in there because I couldn't let anyone see me like that. I wanted to be there for people. Not like that. Hell yes I wanted to tell people why I was crying but I didn't because my stories were too pathetic. For those who knows about the Brian incident, well that was the perks of how long I could let it in. He just pulled the trigger and I couldn't hold the bullet.

I waited. I waited for the Azan everyday in the surau. I loved myself for changing. I loved hearing the sound of the boys leading, being the imam of my prayers. I am nothing close to that. I could count with my fingers how many times I did that routine. I had no more Thursday night Yassins. I barely held the Quran as how much I did back then. I have changed.

During high school I thought of how I wanted to be the one but I never let my friends down. I tried not to say no and helped any way I should. I never wanted myself to say no because I could when they couldn't. I tried so damn hard for them to understand. I wanted them to come to me and thank me so I knew I tried. And when it all ended I was grateful of what I had and having someone have more was so hard. Even my parents said it was enough. But for me it was impossible to accept it that fast.

Being in college makes it even worst. Not only they are better, they are not like high school. They don't cling on you to help you and you try to help but they'll never, never be like what I had. I even did some work on my own. I stayed up nights to do that thing, I woke up all shitty as tonight and not even a thank you was given. You know you try your hardest to be nice and sincere but they strangle you with their own ego and drown you as if you were never meant to be alive.

Then to top it off, the results of struggle and long nights wasn't the ones I was hoping for. And at times you start to think, why her? Why him? I know I suck but what did she do that I didn't? Our cases were different but to me they were the same. You try so effing hard to be happy but you know, you know a small part of you is crashing. Why am I not them?

Those were f up moments.

And now you must think that I am a egoist, slimy selfish b that cares about herself and her pride and her life when there's more important stuff than her problems. You must think how terrible I am for being a hypocrite and lier and just plain, wrong.

I am sorry. I'm sorry if any of that had to do with you. I truly am sorry.

But I will tell you this. Of all those mistakes I made, of all those feelings I ever had, of all those ignorant self centered thoughts I had, I always had backup.

Eventhough I don't talk to my adik angkat now I know she's doing great. I have other juniors that took care of her and she'll be amazing when her time comes. I've changed alot since high school. Alhamdullilah, I am proud to say that everytime I shop, I care not about what people will think, but what the All Mighty would think. When I cried alone, I was there for others. I helped others. I was there for them and I wouldn't feel any better than that. Even if no one appreciated me, I was there. That's all that matters.

Yes college was college. I had long stressful nights but I couldn't have gone through if it wasn't for my housemates especially my roomie. Until today I thank Allah for placing her with me. I wouldn't have survived 2012 without my old friends. The ones that I think of when I felt alone. I go out with them and all my problems in college just passes by. I never saw my old classmates in my new class. I never saw Bijaksana or Battani in 10AR1. And I never will. But I know they'll help me in and out. Again, even if no one appreciates it. I might not be as pious as before. I might not be as close to my Quran. I miss it I swear. But that doesn't mean I'll stop. I will never give up my faith and what helped me through high school will help me now, InsyaAllah. And yes, I will always be jealous of those smart asses. I'll hate them for being better but that makes me think more. And I know myself, I would never hate someone that could help me be better. For my results, I'll try harder, like everyone else. Rezeki orang lain, lain. Even my dad didn't care much. I'm grateful, believe me.

Oh god. What I know now is that 2012 taught me so much I couldn't explain.  Every single shitty thing I'm upset about, there must be a reason why I could get over it. Either reason, thank you. Thank you for being there and keeping up with myself. Sometimes even I can't stand myself.

Oh and I'm sorry. Especially for this long unreasonable post. I told you, it's a shitty night tonight.

Shooting inNewtown, Connecticut

Oh wait, I forgot this.

Have you heard about the shooting in an elementary school in Newtown? It's really really sad. I can cry  everytime I read about it. So here's teh chase.

There's this guy, Adam Lanza. He's a psyco path obviously. It was around 9am. First, he killed his own mother at her house. For what reasons, no one knows until now, I think. Then he went to an elementary school nearby where his mother teaches there, Sandy Hook's the name of the school. So he arrived there at 9.30 am, kinda, went through the halls and killed the principal and the psycologist teacher, then the teachers in the hall. Okay it's starting to get sad right? Then he went inside the class that his mother teaches and killed the students in there! I mean, they were 6 for God's sake! And his mother was dead by that time so whyyyyyyyy.

20 kids, 6 adults. The agony!

The sad part is that it'll be Christmas soon. And the kids that died are sooooo cute. Read these, they might poke a needle in those eyes of yours.

"On Friday I was out buying Christmas presents for Dylan and his big brother Jake who is eight. I got a garbled message on my answerphone from my daughter. She was almost incoherent. I called her back and she told me what had happened. She kept saying: 'Mum, how do you tell an eight-year-old his six-year-old brother is dead and not coming back?'"'

"We heard an ambulance and police officer come and everyone was a little scared crying and I felt actually a little sick and like I was going to throw up," the third-grader, who's name Shine chose not to publish, told ABC News. "Kids were crying, not really like screaming, but they were all huddling together. They felt so sick." 

"We were in the gym, and I heard really loud bangs...We thought that someone was knocking something over. And we heard yelling, and we heard gunshots. We heard lots of gunshots. We heard someone say, 'Put your hands up.' I heard, 'Don't shoot.' We had to go into the closet in the gym. Then someone came and told us to run down the hallway. There were police at every door. There were lots of people crying and screaming." 

And here are some photos..

And this one girl, Ellie if I'm not mistaken, wrote a letter to her dad when she was trapped with her teacher. I can't remember the real words but her father has tumour and she said that she loved him very much and if he didn't make it, she'll be waiting in heaven. I can't say it's true but if it is, then damnnn.

Read more here.

I know we should be praying for Gaza. But come one, these are people too. So just pray the best for their families okay? 

Bye.

Another day here

Assalamualaikum. Sejak bila rajin mengupdate ni hmm

Anyways, I'm back here in PD. I wonder why mana people come here. Yes there's a beach. So.. I'm here cause mama has this seminar and I don't want to sit at home. Last time we went to Coral, now it's Ancasa, which I feel that this resort is waaaaay better. The internet here is limited, obviously. So downloading photos would waste up my batteries.

I strolled down the beach this morning! If that is considered excercise.. I should be in the room, sleeping. But the rooms are all full, until noon that is. So here I am. Blabbling. No one reads this so. Better I babble to fix up my grammar, eih?

So, the swimming pool here's pretty cool. There's two pools, kiddies pool and the big one which has a slide. Mostly people bring their families, so the pool is jam packed. If someone terkentut ke terberak dalam tu pun no one knows. The beach is not a beach. I mean there's the sea and there's the side where you can swim but there's no sand and stuff. You can't make sandcastles. Sedih gilos.

I sat at the bench, alone. Luckily it wasnt that creepy. But i left when there was this bangla dude sitting near. Bahaya okay utk anak dara cewah. And dengan tak malunya, i took self photos -.- the sunlight was too bright so the pictures looked aneh. Aneh? Haa!

Bukti bukti! lol

Then i walked around, carrying this heavy laptop. There's a futsal court, a spa and a volleyball field here. Pretty awesome. But since I was alone.. People must think I'm a lonely loner. Mostly people here are in groups. And here I am. But it is nice to taste the air. I woke up at 7 okay after sleeping at 5am. So my mind is not in the right place. 

Satu lagi, selepas mencuci mata, tiada tangkapan yg dpt dilaporkan. Ainaa mesti faham haha!

So basicly my results would be out very soon. I'm not hoping for 15, at all. With my Physics like that, i dont know what to expect. But please oh please let it be 13 or more :( Amin. 

Hey! Not many people are in the pool now. Dah tgh hari surut sikit kot. Bagus bagus. But i cant swim today sobs. Nnti ada lautan merah. Eh hihi. 

Nak merepek apa lagi.

Can I talk about Twitter? *yes*. Well I'm a good stalker right? I mean, FANTASTIC! :p so i found many twitfamous (is it?) people. Malays lah. Org luar negara tu lantaklah. And followers smp berpuluh ribu. Bila tgk, tk kenal pun. It's not a famous actor or actress or singer or blogger whatever. So after stalking the tweets and photos, dia ni pakar relationship cewah. I mean, really? Really? But takpelah. Hak masing masing kan. Tweetlah pasal jumpa seposen tgh jalan pun takpe okay?

Like I said, I am an excellent stalker. I could gali information better than Inspector Gadget. Truth to be told.

Well. Guess that's it. I'm still working on my doodles. Not quite there yet. Talk to you later dear no one.  Damn so many flies here! 

Bye (Y)

D

Yes I doodle, if that's what you call it. I post them on my instagram but I wanted to lighten up this crappy blog of mine. So. Nah kau.

TU JE! HAHAHAHAHAA no. i do more but i post them on instagram usually. and please tell me how to use colours :(

Instag; izaziasri

Macam lah ada org bukak blog ni pun hak tuih.

bye.

I give up

Assalamualaikum; Ainaa told me to write something. So I am.

This may sound absurd and racist or whatever i don't seem to care. And no I am not having my PMS so this is what I feel right now so if you hate it stfu.

Nah, kidding.

When I get bored I go up on the internet and have a random chat with people. Yes, cliche gilo. Hey, at least I found many people that are interesting. And let me explain 'interesting'.

Take note; people at midnight get very horny and this applies to Malays too. To be honest I was suprised. I mean, orang melayu tak rupa org melayu dah okay. Jijik. To see where it goes, I said yeah lets get horny.
Dan dan kau suruh aku start dulu. Siapa pakar skrg ni? So it got really draggy and all. Mr A said he was good with gigolos and stuff like wth. I even know where you study so get a life? And Mr B asked what the colour of my bra was so get a life too okay?

Minus all the horny men out there, I was really suprised by this someone. He was from San Francisco, 19 and was a priest. So I asked him, what does he think of Muslims?
'Muslims are people too. I think they're really nice.'
Aww, that was nice to hear. Come on, he was a priest okay. And saying that about Islam sounds really nice. He even asked me if I practiced my 5 times prayer each day to Mecca. See?

Berbeza darjat pemikiran org melayu dan org puteh. Not all, some. But one thing, never trust people.

Another thing is that these past few weeks I've been watching Youtube videos about long distance relationships and prom proposals and soldiers coming home. An hour of tearing up. So I've decided. I want to marry a soldier. Or navy. Just to feel the happiness of them coming back home after so long. Yeaaaah.

Oh guess what? I give up. On some things you'll barf if I said it. I'll just live with 13 cats and rust to death.

I have so much to write that I don't want to write anymore. And these days, people don't text much do they? I miss the excitement of a new text filling my inbox. Come on people, text! Don't tweet too much. Okay.

Enjoy these beautiful people;

Lol sorry for this ^ 

Goodbye folks. Wish me luck in life!