May 3, 2012

Paralyzed

Hello friend. As you can see, I've lost a part of me. I may be the same person from the way I look, the way I sound but nobody here knows how I feel exactly. You may see me happy, cheering on and saying how grateful life is, but that's just a part of it. I'm different now.
One morning, I woke up and found out that half of me was not moving. My hips to below was so heavy, as if bricks of cement was on me. I strained to move my legs so I could get out of bed, but I couldn't. My parents weren't home, they had work. And as usual, I was alone at home. Why was it so hard to move? I grabbed my cell and called my parents as if they had the answers to my question. They said they'll come home soon.
Now what?
Does this mean I can't walk anymore? Does this mean I won't be able to run anymore, dance anymore? Then I started to cry.
Yesterday I walked to places I shouldn't have. And now I couldn't walk anywhere else unless I have a wheelchair. But you are still the same person, they say. No, I am not. 
Yesterday, people didn't stare if I walked pass them. Today, they do.
Yesterday, people didn't smile at me when they saw me. Today, they do.
Yesterday, people didn't give me the face of sympathy. Today, they do.
And you say I'm just the same? Do you know what it's like to wake up one day and find out that you no longer have the strength to move a part of you? Do you know how it feels to be so useless, that you have to rely on others just to get somewhere? And worst, you can't do anything about it?
Yes, I have therapy. The doctors promised to help me through, my family calls me everyday and my friends promised to take care of me. Every single day, my life is surrounded by people that hold me to get up, that takes me to the bathroom, that buys me stuff to make me happy. 
Tell you what, I'm sick of it.
I'm sick of people soothing me. I'm sick of people asking if I'm okay. I'm sick of people denying the fact that I'm retarded. I'm sick of the fact that people LIE just to make me feel wanted.
Guess what? Now you don't have too.
You want to blame yourself after this fine decision of mine? Fine, suit yourself cause I don't care. I didn't care since the day my legs abandoned me. You people should be proud of yourselves for looking at me with those pools of lies and then walk away, yet you didn't know that I was hearing every word you said, people. Yes, I heard the disgraceful comments of yours and the honest truth of how you are 'welcome' to take care of me.
I heard everything. And to think you guys cared, pff. Every one of you LIED to my face. Why didn't you guys just came to me and said it right to my face? It's not like I could catch you afterwards. I'm paralyzed.
Now that you know how I feel, I won't let anyone of you get away with it. You, you and you. All together, you will all feel what I felt, being watched.
Get ready guys. My legs might be paralyzed but my hands are still working.
 

3 Tracks:

sabmeera said...

jajee? what is this?

IzaziAsri said...

nothing :p

elsabila said...

haha nak je like comment sab klw boleh :P jo, somehow i feel like i'm reading Mr Midnight, x pun Goosebumps. hahaha